Riju's Blog

July 15, 2010

How to… Part 3

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 5:59 am

Creating the concept of God has been man’s greatest achievement till date.

Rewinding back many years we were told that God is there watching us from way up above, judging our actions and deciding on a reward/ penalty scheme for us mortals.  Sounds familiar to the current corporate slaughterhouses, or the outsourcing model. But that’s what we were taught as kids and I was okay with that.

A few years later we were told that God is also present  in temples, churches etc. and the idol has the power to give us what we want so we have to pray hard everyday in hope that God will grant us our wishes – and I was okay with that too.

Today, things are different, national greed is on its peak – and that has led to a practice which I just cannot fathom. So my next section on – ‘How to find God’.

1. Apparently, God is now no longer different from a businessman and he will grant you what you want and he needs something in return. Now, what could the Almighty want from humans, what could he have that we dont ???

2. God will now accept cheques and credit cards along with cash/ jewellery/ gold.

So we have now reduced God to a political figure, a bemused power yielding babu sitting right on top and granting our wishes in return for that huge some of money. So if ‘A’ wants to get a business deal , he goes to his place of worship and prays for success  in return for ‘X’ amount of money. ‘X’ will be poured into a huge drum for donations and that money will go into the trust fund for that particular God.

We are a God fearing nation, and our faith is strong, and we firmly believe that we deserve to have our faith rewarded. Of course, this has been wisely misused by the intelligentsia to create an industry out of religion.

Till then we can keep turning to him as our one last hope when in distress. The remaining times, we parteeeh !!


May 5, 2010

How to… Part 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 10:57 am
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Prem Kumar bhai was once a guard doing odd jobs at our place, wat we missed out on was his keen intellect and his ability to read demand and supply gaps in the market. Coupled with his knowledge of consumer behaviour he soon took that big challenging step – he became a driver. Today he says he would have been happier as a lion tamer or a crocodile hunter.

Before u scoff at my last statement, if you have tried driving on any Indian road in any city you would have already lost a better part of your hair. Driving is not for the weak hearted, and so came the concept of hiring drivers – which Prem Kumar foresaw and today earns 10 times his initial salary just because the owner of an imported car realised he was not capable of taking that plunge – driving to work everyday.

So .. my next post.. how to be a good driver.

1. Learn your language – A speeding car brushes past you almost cornering you to a horrible death. Forget your morals and values – and give it to that driver choosing the choicest expletives of complete moral degradation. Fist fights are not recommended, however refer to my earlier post for more info on that     🙂

2. Excellent hand eye co-ordination – Cruising along a potholed road you need to manouver around those potholes, a person shows his/ her hand to you and starts crossing the road ; firstly lets understand that in our country the pedestrian is always right and secondly, disasters occur in the slip of a second especially when you hav just begun to relax; so learn to hit that brake pedal as hard as possible. Train those reflexes well, one missed glance may change your life forever.

3. Possess enough money – You know this one, when in a tight spot either God help you, else money will. So bribe the cops well enough and you will never face a problem while driving

So even if you are drinking and driving the above will help you get past any hurdles you may face.

Good luck !!

May 3, 2010

My guide on how to..Part 1

If you are suddenly warped through time, or suffering from short term memory loss, faced with sudden dementia .. and you want to find out, just where you are.. assuming you are in India, here is the sure shot guide to determine your exact location.

Step 1: The traffic is bad everywhere so look around you.

Step 2: Look for 2 people fighting.

Step 3: Now read carefully.

Two people snarl at each other and ceremoniously wave their hands around and suddenly light that cigarette and say “sumthing sumthin (loud fast expletives) seri seri MIND IT ”  – Chennai

Two people put their expensiv watches aside and beat each other up to death but no-one around bothers and passes by, on the verge of severe bloodshed one of them gets a phone call while the other realises he is late for work and thats the end of it- Mumbai

Two people abuse each others family tree with specific focus on the sisters and the mothers and a huge crowd gathers while the two fight to the death. One claims to be related to a hugely powerful politician and the other claims to be related to the police, army, navy combined. Last man standing, no holds barred – hell in a cell matchup concludes and only one man walks away – while the police arrive on the scene a little too late. – Delhi

Two people hold each others collars, each threatens to beat the other to pulp but noone actually hits anybody, soon a huge crowd gathers and the road is blocked off. Immediately flags of a political party with flowers on it come up with a ‘gherao’ done and all vehicles and trucks stoned. The red flags come on the scene soon and a powerful man on a vehicle appears with the press claiming how the party with the flowers is responsible for the horrible law and order situation. Soon a fat woman arrives on the scene and lies down on the road and screams of negligence and torture and injustice. Two buses are burnt down. Who cares about the 2 people who were fighting over whose wife stole whose saree. The next day is a bandh. –  Kolkata

April 28, 2010

IPL – the Indian Political League

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 10:47 am
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The IPL is over.. and now I can go back to watching sane shows such as “haunted house” and “Americas funniest home videos again”.. without really being distracted by the Great Indian MegaBucks TrillionDollar SuperDuper T20 tournament.

Before IPL 1 I had predicted that this would be the next big thing in the world.. for 2 reasons :

1. Our regionalism: We aren’t really Indians, we are Bengalis, Gujaratis, Marathis, Kannadigas etc.

2. Our character: Like a pack of hungry hounds, we will jump on a juicy fresh oppurtunity for making money.

and of course this is not a game for the weak hearted and ;a survival of the fittest; leading the way is the real IPL that is our constant source of media, entertainment and hype – the ‘Indian Political League’. Spiderman had once said : “with great power, comes great responsibility”. Did our politicians watch the hindi dubbed version which had Spiderman say “Shakti hai, toh looto”.

So while you were busy cheering for that next big six and that next big wicket.. while I was celebrating Dada’s success with the bat (not to stray away from the topic: he is still one of the greatest batsmen in the world).. A gazillion bucks were being spent on new teams, betting, black money, shady deals, sponsorship rights.. in fact for us middle class men : there are way too many facts and figures involved. So lets just say THERE WAS A LOT OF MONEY INVOLVED,  and I’m sure a part of the money was used for lucrative causes like making a money garland for Mayawati.

While you and me were away watchin the match and readin ball by ball reports in the newspaper, a few thousand more people died of hunger; more farmers commited suicides; poverty increased; a Dalit household was burnt down and the people inside charred to death because the dog was disturbing the upper caste people of the neighbourhood; earthquakes killed a few thousand more in China and Turkey; this list can go on. The media was following the lives of Lalit Modi and Shashi Tharoor.

Really, the verdict isnt out yet, but are there any surprises when the headline reads “Corruption rampant in IPL” .. tell us something we dont know. Too bad Mr. Tharoor and Mr.Modi get to feel the ‘axe effect’ and not the other scores of politicians and the mafia; but they just happen to be scapegoats, they dared to represent the Indian Premier League and blend it with the great circus of the Indian Political League : They got along like a house on fire, only to be burnt down to the ground.

I realise life is mostly sad, and most of us choose to live in denial of death and pain and hunger, but the least we can do is play our part in making this country a little better than wat it is.  Is anyone listening ???

November 18, 2009

Gold is a four letter word

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 10:53 am

Kings have fought over it and conquered for it; people have given their lives for it, and yet our obsession continues. Since time immemorial our policies have changed, the world order has changed and over the last few centuries the term ‘economy’ has been redefined again and again to reach the stage where we are today. What has remained constant is our obsession with the yellow metal – gold.

The word itself gets a few hearts beating and a few eyes rolling. If two centuries back, kings were busy conquering and taking their returns of precious metal, today each and every individual possesses that same insatiable appetite for more and more gold. The transformation of gold from a shiny ornament to a commodity for exchange is rather fascinating taking into considerations that other shiny metals, namely silver and platinum have never made inroads into our lives like gold has.

Look around, if people aren’t dreaming of their next buy in gold, they are investing in mutual funds and shares where a unit resembles a gram of gold. If your thoughts are nowhere linked to the forsaken metal, the billboards and advertisements definitely won’t let u forget. The best advertising gimmick would be to provide the suffix ‘gold’ to the name of the product or maybe even color it gold. So today, if the entire gold obsession wasn’t boring you, you need to have sona-chandi and vita-gold to make yourself feel better, name your children Sona or be among the hundred odd companies flooding the market with the name Sona as a prefix or a suffix. Further, our temples are plated with gold, so are our deities, in fact legend has it that the temples have so much gold locked away that the authorities have no track of it. We shower our relatives and friends with gifts of gold, we bribe our Gods and Goddesses with gold, we cover our brides with gold and the list can continue…

November 13, 2009

note to self..

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 11:58 am

Apologies for not updating my blog for quite a few days now. Not like too many people are waiting for my updates either because till now its been me who has been forcing people to read my blog.

Life hasnt changed much over the past few days, in fact its gotten me to think have we humans gone to the extent of defining our lives to a perfect circle.  We need to attend school, get our education as defined by society. Then get an impressive degree – make money – marry – make money – die. In between we fill in the gaps to just make our lives a lil wee bit more interesting. Im not saying im bored with life, nor am i complaining.. but I keep wondering if people out there are happy in what they are doing.

Just to test my thoughts, I asked quite a few people at my workplace if they were really happy with their lives n work. It all led to an emphatic NO ! further it boiled to the usual formula , they were doing it because they needed to get married and/ or make money.  True no one can define happiness since it is quite relative but happiness at work can be defined.

Are you happy with your job ?? its usually the people in creative fields who would say YES, or a person running his own show.

I have  dreams of my own.. and this is not what I wanted to do…

Yet the perfect circle is defined for me.. and i need to abide by it…

“and then one day you find, 10 years have gone behind you, noone told you where to run..”




October 15, 2009


Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 10:56 am

Recently on a flight from Kolkata to Delhi, aboard a low cost airline, a pleasant looking woman in a blue and white uniform notified me that I had been chosen in the lucky draw to recieve a complimentary sandwich and a juice.  Never having won anything at any lottery, I was obviously overjoyed and quick to point out that I would settle for nothing less than a Non-Veg Sandwich.  With a free overpriced sandwich in hand, and a newspaper I paused to read an article about how the roads were awful, the infrastructure was a problem, politicians were fleecing too much money.. etc etc.

Seated beside me was the director of the largest municipal development body in Kolkata and we casually got talking about the city.

A study was conducted a few years back, on the water supply network in the city and after months of studying and research, the auditors came to a conclusion that the entire network was a complete failure. It was nothing short of a miracle that residents of the city were still enjoying their water. Of course, till date, nothing has been done.. and the residents of Kolkata continue to enjoy their daily water supply.

The point I am trying to make, amidst all this madness and chaos, there is an unkown force or a machine which seems to operating behind the scenes and pushing us forward. If you cant picture what I am trying to say, look outside at the roads, you see cycles, bullock carts and other animals, beggars, cars – all on the same road, seperated by an inch, cursing each other – yet they seem to be moving forward. Now isnt it a miracle that none of the vehicles or animals collide against each other ??

Our success lies in our selfishness. Driven by greed and thirst for more we r constantly pushing ourselves to negate the risk and obtain the positive outcome – which explains why none of the vehicles crash. Next time you are asked : who rules the world ? its not money, but greed. Greed for more and more !!

So while the rich get richer and the poor think of new ways to get rich, and we- the commoners have dreams of owning that flashy car, or that fancy watch, house etc. –  we put ourselves in corporate slaughterhouses and do what we are told to by the gentlemen/ women running the slaughterhouse.

A popular cola company even summed up the general sentiment of our country, “Yeh Dil Maange More”. Sure, it was reported to have pesticides and unwanted preservatives.. yet it had a cool actor asking the masses to ask for more !! Whether it is more money, more fame, more power… we Indians are on top of our game and constantly re-inventing ourselves to achieve the maximum through minimum effort.

Take for example, after the Mumbai terror attacks, Mumbaikars were all over the place shouting anti-politician slogans and asking for a new government. In the recently concluded Maharashtra elections, which was on a Monday, and delcared as a state holiday – so that people could vote, most of the people saw the extra day as an extended weekend and went away on vacation. Maharashtra saw one of the lowest voter turnouts ever.

So, next time you:

1. Refuse the beggar at the traffic signal

2. Refuse the bank to take a credit card

3. Refuse the NGO asking you to help in fighting women abuse

4. Refuse to tip the waiter

5. Refuse to buy original music or dvd’s

Think, that you have done the right thing, for in your refusal, you have been a part of the national sentiment.

“Jai Ho” – Gulzar & A.R Rahman 

(Someday I hope to find out what exactly that phrase means)

October 12, 2009

reality bites

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 6:07 am
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As soon as the nobel peace prize was announced, the first reaction was that of disbelief which soon gave way to the numerous jokes and cartoons doing the rounds on the internet. So who should we attribute this recent goof up to ??

Contrary to popular belief and controvery theorists, it wasnt :

1. The aliens who have got into the heads of the nobel jury.

2. An attempt by the US of A to create more confusion and ‘peacefully’ bomb some infidel countries (which i secretly support).

3. Pakistans way of getting more aid to build up their millitary with thanks to the ‘peaceful’ prez.

4. America’s birthday gift to the prez’s dog.

For reasons known to all, I will refrain from racist remarks on this blog, although I assure you i am most tempted to. However, it is  now time we see the writing on the wall,  and i reveal the truth..

Till a few years back, we loved the idiot box, we thrived on cricket matches and cartoons and epic serials for the elderly. Then came the saas-bashu stuff which only invaded the ‘bored housewife’ segment, which was still acceptable considering the fact that the problems shown on screen were far greater than the problems at home. However, we are now faced with a serious threat, far more serious than China invading Arunachal or MSD’s problems at finding new sponsors after India’s recent spate of losses. It is the ‘reality show’ bug which is biting everyone, not just our country but around the world.

Take some time off, switch on the television, and what do you see ?? participants getting their 2 mins of fame and crooning away to glory on stage while viewers pass their judgement. The 3 judges sitting beneath the spotlight, or the booming voice inside a house, or the cool veejay now reduced to managing bitchfights and acting in failed  bollywood movies have all succumbed to this bug. Recently i notice kids not more than 13 years old being made to perform live and then getting booted out of the show while the cameras film their tears in slow motion… give them a break guys !!

Its time we as viewers stop this insane tide of reality shows taking over us, it is nothing but an aim to make false promises of fame, fortune and glory and no one remembers you next year. I assure you, it is all fixed, events are predetermined, scripts are written beforehand, drama is created and sensationalised and broadcast for us idiots..

The way forward ?? the logical thing to do would be to start an anti-reality show movement on television or maybe create groups on facebook, but I dont see that happening. Luckily, we can fight fire with fire, for the solution lies at home..

1. We nominate Rakhi Sawant for the Oscars and send her to the red carpet.

2. and then, nominate Paris Hilton for the Sansui Manikchand something something Filmfare Awards.

However, not to stray from the topic, we gave the prez his fame, which actually didnt backfire, since after a decade or so, a common quiz question doing the rounds would be “who was the first US president to win the nobel”.. ?? Till then however, we would be zombies of the reality bug, being manipulated by sensationalised media.

October 11, 2009

badly bangalee

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 8:22 am
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You know you’re a Kolkata born fled bangalee when,

1. Your hindi is absolutely horrible and u tend to place bangla words in your hindi sentences.

[A few days back, at the office cafetaria, I wanted to complain about the quality of the curd, and i ended up saying “ye dahi ak phota tok nahi hai” ..]

2. You hyperventilate and start the most heated argument when someone praises Rahul Dravid or Sachin as the best cricketer. Of course, Sourav is the best cricketer India has ever come up with, and ever will.. If we could, we’d make sure he played for India till he’s 90. Even though, you know Sachin is actually the best, you put forward the argument that hes a failed captain  😀

3. You pick up the newspaper (say TimesofIndia) and claim that the Telegraph was far more informative. If you’re on the older side (say 60+), you talk about how The Statesman had the most beautiful english among all the newspapers in our country.

4. Your mum seems to have been the strictest mum in the history of the world as compared to the people around you.

5. You are proud of the fact that u r artistically inclined – basically u can write well, or sing well, or play a musical instrument.. and you think  most of the people around are fools with that weird “dhik chik dhik chik” blasting in their cars..

6. You wouldnt hesitate to form a racist opinion about everyone u meet.. According to you, civilisation and the cultural revolution in India started at Kolkata.

7. No matter which city u go, u search for bhaath (Rice) in the afternoon, if possible – chicken, 3 times a day, and a sweet- after every meal. If you doze off in the afternoon after a healthy meal – you are proud of it !!

8. You get into youtube and search for Bangla music (hemanta, manna dey), scoff at the new breed of Bangla bands and Bangla movies which feature wannabe actors n kids and a pseudo-intellectual Bengali director.

9. You are still stuck onto Pink Floyd, Dire Straits and Dream Theater, while the crowds outside seem to be craving for Greenday, Limp Bizkit, Nickelback, Justin Timberlake, Bollywood Bhangra etc. Then you argue with your friends who have some knowledge about music, about who is greater – Roger Waters or David Gilmour

[of course, its David Gilmour, Gilmour is God]

10. Finally, when you have a conversation about Bengal with someone, you are quick to point out that the 3 greatest Bengalis of all time are Rabindranath Tagore, Satyajit Ray and Sourav Ganguly.  🙂

“We know, and they know, that we can beat them.” – Sourav Ganguly

October 9, 2009

the blog

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 5:12 am

Before I start blogging, some random thoughts :

1. I signed up cos I was bored of the office, bored of the people around me, but mainly cos a special someone told me today that I should get my own blog. Not cos its the cool thing to do, but cos it would make me feel a bit more creative at the end of the day after a dull day of work.

2. By no means, is this blog about me and my life and my boredom and my choices and my cravings… or watever it is people write about.. the blogosphere seems to be full of people who rant excessively about themselves,  and quite frankly – who cares ??

3. Also, apologies for the amateurish use of words and sentences, its  been really long since i actually wrote, not an exam paper but just random thoughts flowing out of your head. To be honest, it is a bit more difficult than i thought..

4. Finally, i dedicate this blog to those who hav influenced me the most in life : Akhmed & Eric Cartmann.

*plays overdriven guitar chord with drum roll* 

Happy Reading  🙂   and feel free to criticise..

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