Riju's Blog

May 5, 2010

How to… Part 2

Filed under: Uncategorized — thesoulsurvivor @ 10:57 am
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Prem Kumar bhai was once a guard doing odd jobs at our place, wat we missed out on was his keen intellect and his ability to read demand and supply gaps in the market. Coupled with his knowledge of consumer behaviour he soon took that big challenging step – he became a driver. Today he says he would have been happier as a lion tamer or a crocodile hunter.

Before u scoff at my last statement, if you have tried driving on any Indian road in any city you would have already lost a better part of your hair. Driving is not for the weak hearted, and so came the concept of hiring drivers – which Prem Kumar foresaw and today earns 10 times his initial salary just because the owner of an imported car realised he was not capable of taking that plunge – driving to work everyday.

So .. my next post.. how to be a good driver.

1. Learn your language – A speeding car brushes past you almost cornering you to a horrible death. Forget your morals and values – and give it to that driver choosing the choicest expletives of complete moral degradation. Fist fights are not recommended, however refer to my earlier post for more info on that     🙂

2. Excellent hand eye co-ordination – Cruising along a potholed road you need to manouver around those potholes, a person shows his/ her hand to you and starts crossing the road ; firstly lets understand that in our country the pedestrian is always right and secondly, disasters occur in the slip of a second especially when you hav just begun to relax; so learn to hit that brake pedal as hard as possible. Train those reflexes well, one missed glance may change your life forever.

3. Possess enough money – You know this one, when in a tight spot either God help you, else money will. So bribe the cops well enough and you will never face a problem while driving

So even if you are drinking and driving the above will help you get past any hurdles you may face.

Good luck !!

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May 3, 2010

My guide on how to..Part 1

If you are suddenly warped through time, or suffering from short term memory loss, faced with sudden dementia .. and you want to find out, just where you are.. assuming you are in India, here is the sure shot guide to determine your exact location.

Step 1: The traffic is bad everywhere so look around you.

Step 2: Look for 2 people fighting.

Step 3: Now read carefully.

Two people snarl at each other and ceremoniously wave their hands around and suddenly light that cigarette and say “sumthing sumthin (loud fast expletives) seri seri MIND IT ”  – Chennai

Two people put their expensiv watches aside and beat each other up to death but no-one around bothers and passes by, on the verge of severe bloodshed one of them gets a phone call while the other realises he is late for work and thats the end of it- Mumbai

Two people abuse each others family tree with specific focus on the sisters and the mothers and a huge crowd gathers while the two fight to the death. One claims to be related to a hugely powerful politician and the other claims to be related to the police, army, navy combined. Last man standing, no holds barred – hell in a cell matchup concludes and only one man walks away – while the police arrive on the scene a little too late. – Delhi

Two people hold each others collars, each threatens to beat the other to pulp but noone actually hits anybody, soon a huge crowd gathers and the road is blocked off. Immediately flags of a political party with flowers on it come up with a ‘gherao’ done and all vehicles and trucks stoned. The red flags come on the scene soon and a powerful man on a vehicle appears with the press claiming how the party with the flowers is responsible for the horrible law and order situation. Soon a fat woman arrives on the scene and lies down on the road and screams of negligence and torture and injustice. Two buses are burnt down. Who cares about the 2 people who were fighting over whose wife stole whose saree. The next day is a bandh. –  Kolkata

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